Jealousy (and Judgement) as Information

And, Bad Bunny, if you're reading this...

I listened to a podcast recently that said jealousy can be good information for us to pay attention to, and that made instant sense to me. I think what we judge is also something to be curious about. I have envied divorced women for a long time. I was jealous of them, but it was not something I would ever be. It was wrong because it caused other people pain. I also assumed that my unhappiness was my fault. Maybe it was the result of past traumas. Or maybe I was so unhealthy that I did not know how to securely attach to a person. Maybe I did not know how to be loved. Who knows. But if I could not figure out how to be happy in my marriage, it would be my fault. And what hope would I have then? On top of that, I would ruin everyone’s life.

A few years ago, everyone was going crazy about Glennon Doyle’s latest book, Untamed. I tried to read it, but didn’t get far. The description on Amazon says,

“Glennon decided to quit abandoning herself and to instead abandon the world’s expectations of her. She quit being good so she could be free. She quit pleasing and started living.”

I thought to myself, if we all decided to abandon other people’s expectations of us, we would all be Very Selfish People. So I judged Glennon and her life. The world had taught me that:

“Successful people do what they do not want to do.”
”To have a need is selfish.”
“The world does not revolve around you.”
”Your intuition and desires are sinful.”
”Play it safe. Don’t play with fire.”

These were the mantras that shaped me. The therapy bills prove it. I never thought I would have the life I wanted. I thought that life was wrong! My goal was to figure out how not to want it. What I wanted was not what other people wanted for/from me. I needed to fix myself so that I could want what I should want. BUT. I burned out.

In Romans 7:14-20, Paul writes:

¹⁴ For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ¹⁶ Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ But in fact it is no longer I who do it but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸ For I know that the good does not dwell within me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do the good lies close at hand, but not the ability. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it but sin that dwells within me.

Paul isn’t a bad guy, not really. But damn. He really messed us up when we interpreted passages like this to mean that our intuitions and desires are not to be trusted. It’s true that there are parts of our human nature that will harm others if left unchecked. BUT we desperately need to talk a LOT more about how every single part of every single person can be used to expand love in this world. There are no bad parts when they are used for good. Instead of telling an entire generation of women that sex is bad, we can be telling our girls that their sexuality is an incredible part of them that needs to be nurtured like every other part of us. Instead of criminalizing mental health struggles, should we not celebrate the creativity and brilliance of brains that are not the norm? Instead of teaching boys that emotions are weak, we can teach them to trust their emotions as information that is worthy of their consideration. Also, if you judge the sexuality of other people, why do you care so much? What does that say about you? Get curious.

I have been living in my own condo for over two months now. Last week, I was listening to music that evoked deep joy. Instead of putting the brakes on my emotions, afraid of where they would take me, I leaned in closer and felt what I was listening to. I no longer had to turn the music off or pump the brakes of my feelings to avoid a dead end. My heart can now take me places, and it is, for the first time in 44 years. I’m just a baby! Learning how to live. It feels really good.

Here are the lessons I am learning:

-I am not automatically selfish for doing what I want to do.
-Listening to our hearts is NOT playing with fire. Our hearts are an amazing guide.
-Our bodies never lie.
-I am not a bad person, even when other people think I am.
-I am not responsible for how people react to my life choices. I don’t even have to be sorry.
-The source of the prescribed set of values I inherited from the Christian Church is not always God.
-The world will catch me when I fall.
-My inner-knowing (and even my jealousy) is the Divine within me. I can trust it. I should trust it.
-I do not have to know how everything will turn out. In fact, I will never know. But I must act on what I do know.
-The life God wants for me is full of love. Anything that requires self-abandonment is not loving and does not help me live the life God has for me.
-God will meet us in EVERY moment and in EVERY place. Good, bad, and ugly. God will find us there, love us there, and teach us there. God is incredible. I’m grateful.

You are not wrong. You are not bad. Trust your heart. There is a spark of the Divine within you. That spark, your deepest sense of inner knowing, calls you to an amazing life. A life that is yours to have.

For your listening pleasure, here are the songs that have been bringing me joy. I love the musicality, the lyrics, or both. Beautiful.

Note 1: 90% of what I listen to is Spanish because I have been obsessed with Spanish language and culture since I was a teenager. Weird but…it is what it is!

Note 2: I am preparing for the Super Bowl by listening to Bad Bunny all day every day. Bad Bunny, if you’re out there, I would consider dating you.

This is one that USED to be on repeat…

Thanks for reading, everyone. Until next time…Peace in everything you do!